When do you admit defeat?

(Nimue)

Thanks to a recent prompt from Sheldon I thought I’d look at the flip side of praise culture. When do you admit defeat? When does trying to pull another person out of problematic behaviour and ways of relating to the world become something to turn away from? When do we stop helping?

The first thing to say is that none of us can take responsibility for ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ someone else. You can’t help someone who does not want to be helped. How much time you are prepared to spend on establishing that is really up to you, but be aware that there is a price tag. Devoting years to trying to help someone who does not want to be helped is exhausting and demoralising. You can always hold space for a person changing and be ready to jump in if they do, but you can’t save them from themselves.

If someone is causing harm, and you can see it, then it is all too easy to feel responsible. I went through this with an abusive ex who I know went on to abuse several other women after me – I know because they got in touch with me to talk about it. I had talked to the police about him, there was nothing else I could have done to keep those women safe. The abuser is responsible for the abuse, but it doesn’t always feel like that, and victims are often put under pressure to try and protect others. If you do not have the power to stop someone causing harm then you also can’t be responsible for it.

Some people need a lot of time to heal and change. I have been one of those people. If you want to magically fix someone quickly it may be better to step away from them than to keep trying. Feeling under pressure to recover is not an aid to recovery! Often you have to let people handle things at their own pace. If that makes you uncomfortable you need to look at your own needs and act realistically. What people need most to heal is space, time, peace, support and kindness. You don’t need to fix people, often – you just need to support them while they get on with it.

If someone has opinions that you find problematic, one of the least confrontational ways to challenge them is to ask them to explain how that works. Where opinions have been absorbed in an unconsidered way, making people explain can do a lot to reveal to them that they don’t know why they’ve been persuaded of a thing. Taking the gently childish approach of ‘but why…?’ can get a lot done.

Being slightly amused is sometimes effective. Most people don’t like feeling that they might be laughable, and if you can pull it off, it can be a way of dissuading others from saying and doing harmful and toxic things. You have to be calm to manage this, so it’s easier when you’re tackling something you aren’t personally affected by.

You have to pick your fights. You have to manage your own energy in ways that work for you. Time invested where it’s getting nothing done is time that might have been better used in other ways. It is ok to give up on people and back away, and focus elsewhere. Some people can only be weathered and endured. You do not have to compromise your own viability to tackle someone else’s problems – having to do that is a strong sign to get out of the situation if you can.

Withdrawing energy can be effective. People respond to attention, and the withdrawal of attention in response to inappropriate behaviour can also work. If you leave family gatherings every time your racist uncle kicks off, that will make a point, and that can have an impact. You don’t even have to point out why you are going. Sometimes saying ‘I am not willing to be in this conversation’ and leaving can give people chance to review what they’re doing.

We do all have some responsibility for each other. Those with more privilege should be the ones stepping up to deal with people who are acting toxically or abusively. However, you are still allowed to walk away if it is costing you too much.