Helping your depressed friend

Most days I see someone on social media encouraging their depressed friends to ask for help. Would that it were that simple! There are reasons depressed people don’t seek help that have everything to do with the nature of depression. Depressed people don’t generally ask for help.

Asking for help can lead to pressures to do the things the other person wants you to do. It can result in being told to take up yoga, pay for therapy, get on anti-depressants right now… as though you’ve never considered doing anything that might help. If the depressed person’s reasons for not doing something are ignored, or rubbished, that’s not helpful. If pressure is applied to seem happier so that the person you asked for help can feel validated and helpful… you don’t ask for help. Go a few rounds with such responses and you stop risking being put through all of that.

Depression can make it hard to think, and hard to make choices. Rather than telling your depressed friend to ask for help, try offering them specific forms of help and then helping on the terms they would find helpful.

Offer to listen. Be very clear whether your friend needs someone to hear them or if they actually want advice. If you have first hand experience of depression  you may well have useful insights, but if you’ve not been through it yourself it is better to assume that you don’t know anything useful about how to deal with the depression itself. Unsolicited advice based on assumptions is the opposite of helpful.

Look for the practical things. Does your depressed friend need a hand with the housework? Could you pick up some shopping for them or cook them a meal? Depression can make it very hard to do the things that would take care of yourself. Stepping in to do simple, practical things can make a lot of difference. You don’t need to do emotional heavy lifting to help someone who is depressed. Helping them overcome the problems depression causes can be worth a lot more.

Can you do something to lift their spirits? Can you do it while being ok with however they seem? If you can take someone out for the day or do something nice for them without needing that to instantly magically fix them, then get in there. Don’t offer if you’re going to get cross when your one intervention doesn’t instantly fix everything. 

Often what seems to happen is that well people offering help mostly want to make themselves feel more comfortable. This may sound harsh, but I’ve seen it too many times. The people who get angry when you explain why their magic solution wouldn’t work for you. The people who get angry when you don’t want to go on antidepressants, or take whatever wonder-substance they think you should take… this is not about making the depressed person better. It is about the comfort of the person who wants to be seen as a saviour.

If you’re offering anyone help, think long and hard about what kind of help you can really offer and how you think that will play out. If it’s all about you, centre stage as the marvellous hero, then you might do your depressed friend more good by just leaving them be.

About Nimue Brown

Druid, author, dreamer, folk enthusiast, parent, polyamourous animist, ant-fash, anti-capitalist, bisexual steampunk. Drinker of coffee, maker of puddings. Exploring life as a Pagan, seeking good and meaningful ways to be, struggling with mental health issues and worried about many things. View all posts by Nimue Brown

8 responses to “Helping your depressed friend

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