Huge thanks to everyone who posted here, and on facebook, and emailed me with words of warmth and encouragement, stories of journeys taken, suggestions about things that help… It is all appreciated, and it makes a considerable difference. One of the things I have been learning, and struggling with is that if I keep silent when I am in difficulty, no help is forthcoming, because people who would help do not magically know. Exposing the wounds is alarming and vulnerable, and healing, I recognise, is not always a clean and tidy process for any of us.
It’s been a tough month in a number of ways. Big projects on the move can be exciting, but also exhausting, and like a lot of people I get thrown into gloom if I get too tired. I’ve also had some really painfully and challenging things involving people to deal with. A number of people, in a number of contexts, and experiences that have shredded my confidence around my ability to deal with others. It’s been educational, to say the least and has raised a lot of questions for me about what can be reasonably expected of me, my right to say no, and what I need from the people around me.
Some of the contact I’ve had with people this week has made a huge positive difference around how I’m seeing things. Conversations have left me questioning what depression is, and what the right approach to it (for me) would be. At the moment I have very little clarity on any of these issues, it’s going to take time to face it all down, and make enough sense to be able to talk about it. I have become clear about this one thing, though. I will push through and come back and talk because I want to live in a world where it is possible for people to talk about difficult things. I want it to be socially acceptable to express pain and need. I will keep talking, simply because my random spouting of bollocks might, just now and then, make it a teensy bit more feasible for someone else who needs to talk to feel able to talk. And you can always share stories here, or email me, or tell me on facebook. Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me… those who find they’re touched by madness, sit down next to me…
I will probably focus on reviews, reblogging, guest blogs (yell if you want to do one!) and other easy things for a little while, because I have a lot to process. I think it’s worth processing, and I think, if the glimmers that I’m getting now are anything to go by, there will be things worth saying by the end of it. It’s not quite hanging on the world tree for 9 days (I hope) but some insights come at a price, and on the whole I think I’m willing to take that.
In the meantime, if you can accept me as a person who is often raw, sometimes fragile, overthinking, intensely feeling and decidedly messy, please be here and be part of my life. If you need me to be nice, if you want me to hide my bad days, please find a space more suitable to your requirements, because I’m not able to keep being that for people. In the aftermath of Tuesday, I am encouraged to think there are plenty of you who will stay.