Crisis and gratitude

Huge thanks to everyone who posted here, and on facebook, and emailed me with words of warmth and encouragement, stories of journeys taken, suggestions about things that help… It is all appreciated, and it makes a considerable difference. One of the things I have been learning, and struggling with is that if I keep silent when I am in difficulty, no help is forthcoming, because people who would help do not magically know. Exposing the wounds is alarming and vulnerable, and healing, I recognise, is not always a clean and tidy process for any of us.

It’s been a tough month in a number of ways. Big projects on the move can be exciting, but also exhausting, and like a lot of people I get thrown into gloom if I get too tired. I’ve also had some really painfully and challenging things involving people to deal with. A number of people, in a number of contexts, and experiences that have shredded my confidence around my ability to deal with others. It’s been educational, to say the least and has raised a lot of questions for me about what can be reasonably expected of me, my right to say no, and what I need from the people around me.

Some of the contact I’ve had with people this week has made a huge positive difference around how I’m seeing things. Conversations have left me questioning what depression is, and what the right approach to it (for me) would be. At the moment I have very little clarity on any of these issues, it’s going to take time to face it all down, and make enough sense to be able to talk about it. I have become clear about this one thing, though. I will push through and come back and talk because I want to live in a world where it is possible for people to talk about difficult things. I want it to be socially acceptable to express pain and need. I will keep talking, simply because my random spouting of bollocks might, just now and then, make it a teensy bit more feasible for someone else who needs to talk to feel able to talk. And you can always share stories here, or email me, or tell me on facebook. Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me… those who find they’re touched by madness, sit down next to me…

I will probably focus on reviews, reblogging, guest blogs (yell if you want to do one!) and other easy things for a little while, because I have a lot to process. I think it’s worth processing, and I think, if the glimmers that I’m getting now are anything to go by, there will be things worth saying by the end of it. It’s not quite hanging on the world tree for 9 days (I hope) but some insights come at a price, and on the whole I think I’m willing to take that.

In the meantime, if you can accept me as a person who is often raw, sometimes fragile, overthinking, intensely feeling and decidedly messy, please be here and be part of my life. If you need me to be nice, if you want me to hide my bad days, please find a space more suitable to your requirements, because I’m not able to keep being that for people. In the aftermath of Tuesday, I am encouraged to think there are plenty of you who will stay.

About Nimue Brown

Druid, author, dreamer, folk enthusiast, parent, polyamourous animist, ant-fash, anti-capitalist, bisexual steampunk. Drinker of coffee, maker of puddings. Exploring life as a Pagan, seeking good and meaningful ways to be, struggling with mental health issues and worried about many things. View all posts by Nimue Brown

23 responses to “Crisis and gratitude

  • Buzzard

    Hello Nimue

    Just to let you know that your words are not bollox but, Inspiration for many.
    Quietly, always interested in your words.


  • potiapitchford

    Like others I’m here and listening.

  • sjn25

    ” I want to live in a world where it is possible for people to talk about difficult things. I want it to be socially acceptable to express pain and need.”

    Yes, and yes. And I am sitting down, next to you.

  • DawnMarie

    One of the many reasons why I read your blog and books is that you keep it real. There is no bullshit in your words and I have tremendous respect for you and the courage it takes to write as exposed as you do. I don’t comment usually, but I read every post and wanted to express my gratitude to you.

  • druidcat

    Very much here. And offering space, should you need it (email, phone, in person… As needed) xx

  • Siveda

    Dear Nimue,
    I just wanted to say thank you for continuing to share your thoughts on your blog. I am one of your quiet long-time readers and there have been so many times when I read your posts and it helped me feel less alone in my struggles with anxiety, depression, with thinking too much and feeling to deeply and with struggling to find my way through life, which sometimes seems just too harsh and confusing. Never feel you have to hide anything, your bad days or feeling fragile and messy because by being so brave to share those things, you make a positive impact on others.
    best wishes and may you find clarity and healing,

  • Silver

    Dear Nimue,

    I wasn’t one of those shouting for you not to give up, as I know that sometimes giving up is the only viable option. But now I want to say I am so happy to know you are staying, regardless of all the difficulties.

    I hope all the wonderful people, who were quicker to react, have given you ample proof of how important your presence is in some of our lives 🙂

    Much love,

  • witchinsuburbia

    Here and happy to listen. Please (most importantly) be kind to yourself. The mean, horrible things depression says to us are difficult – sometimes almost impossible – to ignore, but they aren’t personal truth. If you need meds, therapy, time away, any one or all of those things are okay if they help you get back to balance and wellness. Do whatever you need to do to be okay. :o)


  • Niniann Lacasse

    We are happy to share the lifeboat with you. .niniann

  • dkhyde2014

    Yup, I’ll stay – thank you!

  • angharadlois

    In love, in fear, in hate, in tears.

    * not really in hate.


  • Lea

    Welcome back, in whatever capacity you’re ready for. Everyone’s depression is individual, everyone must deal with it in their own way. But being able to just say “this is what is broken in me” – even if there is no magical super glue that will instantly make it all better, which there usually isn’t – is it’s own healing.

    I came to your blog because I enjoy reading about your spiritual journey. I enjoy seeing things that are happening in my own spiritual journey – seemingly different from yours, as I follow the Tuatha de Dannan – reflected in others. That’s why I CAME to your blog. I stay here because I enjoy your insight and the fact that you don’t try to pretend you are something you aren’t.

    The bad is every bit as much a part of you as the good. The dark is every bit as much as the light. So thank you for sharing your pain and struggle, and I hope it continues to allow you to heal, as sharing helps me heal a little piece at a time.

  • dawnmedus

    Gratitude and empathy here xxx

  • Sue marsh

    Thank you dear nimue for these words. I will continue to be by your side even if I can’t physically hold your hand. Once I have a proper computer back I will write more. My aged fingers just don’t work well on this tiny phone . know you are in my heart .

  • Christopher Blackwell

    Nimuen, I am bipolar, fortunately medication helps in my case helps keep me balanced. But there was a time when I spent a lot of time in depresses. I would suspect a lot of the others have been though it as well. So what good is going through all that if we cannot help someone else going through it. Turning painful experience into compassion is healing for us as well.

    Meanwhile I only rarely read blogs, even Pagan ones, so yes there is a reason why I read yours daily, as is the case for many other people here as well.

  • Kaylee

    Honestly, I would not want you any other way. You write about things that are important to you, which is why you write about things that are important to all of us. The hard things, the things that people don’t want to acknowledge, much less talk about, are some of the most important things to write about.

    I know your words have helped me a lot. They also have helped others. It can’t be easy to do what you have done. If you need time to rest and heal, you should take it and not feel the least bit sorry.

  • Mary Lou Dyer Oxley

    just hugs to you. as I said you say things that make me a gaelic witch think about and also my Christian husband. I share with him much of your blog and he really enjoys it.

    so just hugs .

  • Norman Andrews

    Not only is your blog interesting and informative ,so much of what you say gives so many of us hope and peace .

    Thank you so much.


  • Caroline Sandford

    Sitting down next to you.

    I want to live in a world like that. And I need company, because I keep trying to be quiet and small, that is the predominant pattern of my depression and it does no one any good.

  • Terry

    You are a wonderful human being for all that you share and teach. I’ve been reading your witings and books for about three months now since finding your site. I appreciate and respect your openess and truthfulness.
    Sitting with you Nimue.

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