Being honest is really important to me as a matter of honour. However, it’s not always possible, and in this post I want to flag up some of the situations in which people who want to be truthful have to be dishonest, and how we might think about that collectively.
There are many people who lie by omission because it isn’t safe for them to speak truthfully about who they are. Too many LGBTQA folk have to hide for their own safety. Anyone whose sex life and sexual identity sets them apart can feel obliged to hide parts of who they are. In some countries it isn’t safe to be honest, you can end up in prison. Society can judge harshly people who are plural and/or promiscuous. Speaking up to support people is important. Whatever consenting adults get up to should be fine. We should think carefully about the aspects of other people we demand to have hidden from us and what that might do to people obliged to lie by omission about who they are.
Disability and long term illness can lead to a lot of lying by omission. The main one is saying ‘I’m ok’ when really you aren’t, because you can’t face the hassles, positivity talks, and other expensive, useless things that follow if you admit to not being ok. Ill people do a lot of faking wellness. Depressed and anxious people do a lot of pretending, out of necessity and to avoid what happens when you are misunderstood or treated unkindly if you admit how things really are. We need to think about how our responses can add pressure in the lives of people who are already suffering. Reacting as though that suffering is laziness, lack of willingness to try, poor attitude or some other failure, adds layers of shame to already unhappy lives. We could stop doing that.
There are all kinds of things people are routinely mocked and punished for. That includes making mistakes, not knowing things, being anxious, how we look, how we dress, our body shapes, how we smile, even. It can be relentless. The experience of being knocked down, silenced, disrespected and disregarded has a lot of people hiding parts of themselves. How many people out there are afraid to show up as themselves for fear of how some other human is going to knock them down for it? How many people knock others down even as they dread being treated that way themselves?
Honesty is really hard when you’re in situations where you can’t count on basic decency from other people, much less compassion. There’s nothing especially honourable about being honest in situations where that might invite more harm than you can bear. If we want to move honourably through the world, then making sure other people can be honest, authentic and truthful needs to be part of that.
March 18th, 2023 at 3:19 pm
I get the lying so as to not involve more that is needed when discussing “Are you o.k.?” I feel that the person asking wants to be reassured that everything is alright. I do it to ease their mind and to not have to endure inappropriate care.
Somethings cannot be hidden though. I have a bright red stuffed ladybird that I carry around. It is to help with over stimulation and seizure control. So people give me the look. I don’t explain though, I just carry it around.
March 18th, 2023 at 3:48 pm
Important to be able to do what works for you.
March 20th, 2023 at 4:52 pm
Today I deleted a comment on my Instagram post which was about popping balloons. The person had commented that it is apparently a fetish and they thought it was pervy. I deleted the comment because it was out of context but I will probably put up another post about “your kink is not my kink but that’s OK”. If someone’s kink or fetish or paraphilia doesn’t harm other people, then let them enjoy it.
But this is why kinky people have to hide their sexual preferences from the vast majority of people.
I think a certain amount of lying and evasion will be needed until people stop being dismissive of what they don’t understand.
March 20th, 2023 at 6:21 pm
Life would be a lot easier if people were more relaxed about not understanding things and were more comfortable with difference.
March 20th, 2023 at 7:12 pm
The person says they were joking but it was hard to tell.
March 20th, 2023 at 4:55 pm
A general principle for when to withhold information might be, if it’ll cause you more harm to reveal it (both short-term and long term consequences) than to hide it, then it is probably best to hide it. To put it another way: if you just don’t have the spoons to deal with the other person’s reaction right now, then you’re justified in withholding the information.
March 20th, 2023 at 6:21 pm
That’s a very good approach, neatly expressed. Thank you.