Too much

One of the things I like about blogging, is that if I prove too much, I don’t have to watch any given individual trying to back away from me. Out here in my actual life, that has always been an issue. I keep the majority of people I know at a careful arm’s length, I’ll give you a light hearted, moderately serious, Nimue, and I may in fact come over as a bit cold, aloof and poker-faced. There have been people in my life who, due to this, thought I was incapable of feeling emotion in the first place. I have a fair capacity for self-control when needs be, but even in that I am often too much.

I was fourteen the first time someone told me I was too much: too serious, not enough fun. It’s been a recurring theme, and in my darker moments, it is often those events that come back to haunt me. The looks on people’s faces, tones of voice, words uttered. I was less cautious as a young human, more willing to risk my heart in the quest to find someone, anyone, who could accept me as I am. By the time I reached my early twenties, I had stopped believing that was even possible, and started learning how to hide it.

I feel everything keenly. I’m not good at casual disinterest, I take everything to heart, and despite more than a decade in the flaying realities of the publishing world, I have never grown a thick skin. Everything gets in. I feel my own shortcomings and mistakes as sharply as razor blades and what I forgive readily enough in other people, I find intolerable in me. That my actual nature causes other people distress is one of the things that has, on more occasions than I care to number, left me wondering if the world would be a happier place were I to absent myself from it. I mention this because I am fairly confident that a couple of the people who read this blog have crawled into similar pits, and might be able to view that differently for hearing it from someone else.

In the Druid community, I have found there are other people who love and cry and whoop to excess. I’ve found at least the possibility of being acceptable, and sometimes the definite, tested reality of it. In my bloke, I have found someone who will gladly accept what I have to give and who is able to see what I am as a good thing, not a problem. Beauty and the Beast is a story that has always resonated with me, but I never cast myself as the pretty one in that arrangement. The person who can see you as you are, monsters and all, and love that, not in the hopes that it will magically transform you into a Disney prince or princess… that person is a rare and precious find. You exist, you brave and beautiful people who are not horrified by intensity, by passion and dedication and who will not be shocked into running away if I say ‘I love you’. And I do love you, a great deal.

To those of you who howl, and who cry until snot comes out of your nose. To those of you who can laugh so much you end up quite literally rolling about on the floor. To those of you whose happy dance is not a typed comment, but a real, leaping exuberant mania cast into the world to offended the jaded apathy of the many… I salute you. There are days when just knowing that you are out there, mad and chaotic, wild, daring, passionate and not cowed yet, makes it possible to keep going. I’m not going to name check you, but I hope you know who you are and what you mean to me.

About Nimue Brown

Druid, author, dreamer, folk enthusiast, parent, polyamourous animist, ant-fash, anti-capitalist, bisexual steampunk. Drinker of coffee, maker of puddings. Exploring life as a Pagan, seeking good and meaningful ways to be, struggling with mental health issues and worried about many things. View all posts by Nimue Brown

6 responses to “Too much

  • Buzzard

    Hi Nimue

    Wow Druid camp certainly has done you good. It seems as if you have plenty of Inspiration to move forward with for a long time.
    I have not been to Druid camp since 2010. I will be back next year.
    Long may the Awen flow from you and a happy Lughnasadh.


  • Angharad Lois

    That third paragraph: yes. I am one of those people who have crawled into similar pits. And hearing it from someone else does make quite a lot of difference. I’ve spent my whole life being told to “grow a thicker skin”; never managed it, and am just starting to think that maybe I don’t *have* to, after all.

    Sounds like druid camp was great fun 🙂

  • Jenny

    This left me with a lump in my throat because it could have been describing me save for the details and wow, it’s good not to be alone, although I wouldn’t wish the kind of pain being this way can bring on anyone, though I would wish for them the rare moments of blinding joy it can also bring. Thank you, Nimue.

  • ineffablesublimity

    This is my perception of my own reality as well…. Thank you for your understanding and empathy… This validation is vital for us. We have enough for a party down in this pit now.. 😉

  • bittysnitty

    It’s nice to know I am not the only one. Thank you.BTW, My wonderful Hubbie is also one of the rare ones who accepts me as I am 🙂

  • Terra Maple Forester

    Regarding coming across as “cold, aloof and poker-faced,” when I was a teenager, one of the girls who rode the school bus with me said that I showed so little emotion that I seemed like a mummy.

    As for being “too much,” yes, I’m that too. We hold ourselves in, because if people see us, they will think we are too much. I’ve opened myself up to be close to people, and after being friends a while, they’ve fled, saying I want too much from them. And yet to me, it does not seem I want so much from them. I think I just want to be treated with respect, and that seems like not much to ask, but I guess it is actually a lot more big than it might seem.

    As for Beauty and the Beast: I used to watch movies and television. I don’t much any more. But from when I did, what struck me is that if you want to rivet male viewers, you show scantily clad women (or for gay male viewers, you show scantily clad men), and if you want to rivet female viewers, you have someone telling a woman, “I see you for who you are. I see your strengths, I see your weaknesses, and I love you for who you are.”

    I’m thinking now of the situation I alluded to in the comment I just wrote on one of your other posts, about a friend who brings out my insecurity. Sometimes I get tired, but people like energetic people, so I feel I have to go out and do energetic things. I tend to be quiet, but people like outgoing people, so I feel I have to act outgoing. If I have a friend who values energetic, outgoing people, I’m always going to feel as if I don’t measure up.

    On the other hand, if this friend likes me, wants to be friends with me, maybe he does value me as I am. Yes, he does have energetic, outgoing friends, but he also chooses me as a friend. I always thought I should be energetic and outgoing. So maybe it is just me, projecting the idea that he thinks less of me for not being energetic and outgoing.

    Oh how tangled we get when we think too much.

    I don’t have a person in my life who really sees and likes all that I am. But I have one person who likes one part of me, and another person who likes another part of me, and another person who likes yet another part of me, and that will have to do for now, because that is what there is for now.

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