Checking in

Depression will tell you that no one cares. It will tell you that you don’t matter. It may go further and suggest to you that everyone you know would be happier and better off if you disappeared. This kind of thinking can kill people.

It is one of the most crippling things about being depressed – that the very nature of it can make it impossible to seek help. You don’t believe you deserve help. You feel like no one would care, or take you seriously. You may have voices in your head (which probably started as things other people said) about how you make a fuss, over-react, are attention seeking and like to wallow in misery. This stuff is the enemy of speaking up and seeking any kind of care or support.

Check in.  Ask people to send kittens, or otters, or whatever lifts you a bit – it’s an easy way to get some gestures of support without having to be too explicit about how you are feeling. Talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be much, you don’t have to go into detail about what’s going on. Just show up where you can.

Check in, because the odds are good someone does care and would notice. There may even be people who would be hurt and frightened if you suddenly went quiet. And those people might not be ok either, and sometimes the threads holding any of us together are thin and fragile.

I’m not ok right now, but I’m checking in. I thought about not posting, but the previous blog came from a dark place and I do not want anyone to see my absence and worry about what it means. I’m still here. I’m going through some really difficult things. I will get through them.

I think part of what yesterday’s post means is that I’ve broken through into some of the narratives that go on in my head. I’ve recently encountered the idea that we might gaslight ourselves, and I’m going to spend some time considering my own thought patterns in light of that. I’ll be back when I know something.

About Nimue Brown

Druid, author, dreamer, folk enthusiast, parent, polyamourous animist, ant-fash, anti-capitalist, bisexual steampunk. Drinker of coffee, maker of puddings. Exploring life as a Pagan, seeking good and meaningful ways to be, struggling with mental health issues and worried about many things. View all posts by Nimue Brown

9 responses to “Checking in

  • potiapitchford

    One of the things I had to learn when I was having a form of CBT was how to be kinder to myself. It doesn’t come easily. I have to keep reminding myself to treat me as I would other people I know. I’m much kinder, much more supportive to others than I am to myself. I think maybe treating yourself as you would someone else that is struggling may help you too. Hugs 💜

  • Laina Eartharcher

    I have been there, dear one 💗. Many times. It’s a dark and hopeless, powerless, futile place to be. It does pass, I promise, only to return again sometime, and then fade again. Everything is impermanent, both the good times and the bad. It may take a while, and at the time it may seem like it’s going to last forever, that there’s no way out, but that’s part of the lie our brains tell us during these times. The good news is that it *is* a lie, even if it seems convincing at the moment. Please, hang in there, ride the storm out. You’re not alone, even if it feels that way. It may not be ok right now, but it will be eventually. Please don’t give up 💗🌸💗

  • Master Mind

    Yup, Depression can cause lot of problems also… a person feel helpless in depression… 😦 😦 . Healing and Meditation Can help in depression… ❤ ❤

  • Unicorn Dreaming

    Sending you much love ❤️

  • Michael

    Thank you. Keep on keeping on.

  • contemplativeinquiry

    I certainly know what it is like to gaslight myself. In the forms of counselling & therapy I used to be involved in, and also structured self-help approaches like focusing & mindful self-compassion, understandings of of our ‘inner critic’ parts’ – and their potential viciousness – are a powerful way in to the work that people can do.For many people, the worst forms tend to be internalisations of something that first came from outside.

  • Sheila Murrey

    So true, “…sometimes the threads holding any of us together are thin and fragile.” But know there are threads, could be the very thought that can pull us back from the ledge. We Are All Connected. ❤️🦋🌀

  • juliebond

    There are times when the biggest triumph lies in simply keeping going.

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