Relationship assumptions

The dominant stories we have about the kinds of relationship shapes available to a person, are, from my perspective, unhelpfully narrow. Emotionally speaking I’m polyamorous – I can choose fidelity, but it is fundamentally in my nature to love. I’m attracted to pixies and wizards – gender has never really been a factor. As someone with wizard and pixie attractions, it makes no sense to me that one set of genitals equates to potential lovers and the other to potential friends and that you shouldn’t be friends with people who have different genitals to you.

I find the hard lines we draw between friends and lovers a tad perplexing. It doesn’t leave me much space for adoration, for people I want to hold and kiss but maybe not shag. It doesn’t allow for my massive and very intense creative crushes or for what happens with me when people inspire me.

Conventional relationships tend to assume similarity of age. Again, this has never worked for me. There’s a huge age range across my love/friendship relationships.

For me, entering into a relationship with a person has always been about finding the shape that is right for that particular exchange. That may, or may not be sexual, it may be affectionate, it may be a creative collaboration, or something else entirely. I’m interested in what might happen, and not in getting an interaction with a person to fit a pre-determined shape.

I’m also entirely comfortable with unbalanced relationships. I often love people who do not feel the same way about me, and I’m fine with that. My emotional response does not create an obligation. I might want things that aren’t available – again I’m fine with this. I am confused by people who expect balance. I am very confused by people who think I should feel about them something that reflects how they feel about me! I am largely convinced it’s because we tell each other so many stories in which two people fall in love with each other at the same time and to the same degree that we assume this is normal. It’s never worked that way for me.

I want there to be more room. I don’t want to be told what I am allowed to feel, or be cut down by the limited nature of other people’s stories. I’ve had more than enough of that already. I want space, for all of us, to be who we are, explore who we might be when dealing with each other, and to engage on whatever terms actually make sense.

About Nimue Brown

Druid, author, dreamer, folk enthusiast, parent, polyamourous animist, ant-fash, anti-capitalist, bisexual steampunk. Drinker of coffee, maker of puddings. Exploring life as a Pagan, seeking good and meaningful ways to be, struggling with mental health issues and worried about many things. View all posts by Nimue Brown

4 responses to “Relationship assumptions

  • ingvenning

    Yes! I am also poly, and I am looking for a family of people to share cuddling, conversation, sex, and all the ways we express love. It’s very frustrating when the people in my society are taught such narrow versions of what love looks like, and are often taught to be dishonest about how they feel and what they want. But I’m not going to give up; I know my true family is out there, perhaps already beginning to coalesce around me, and that’s very exciting and wonderful!

    • Nimue Brown

      Just having the people who understand is worth a great deal. Here’s to finding the right people!

    • ingvenning

      Nimue Brown, yes! Here’s to making the world a more loving place one (or two, or three, or…) person/s at a time!

      Donnalee of Kingston NY, I love that first sentence. Yes, I think projection is one of the ways we’re taught to communicate, but it’s generally not a very effective way. Thanks for your insight!

  • Donnalee of Kingston NY

    It seems hard in many cases because people want to define everything about others as a way of defining themselves. (Wow, great quote actually–!) How on earth can limiting love and affection benefit anyone, not to mention how could it be done? Good for you for keeping your mind open to what is appropriate in each setting and each time.

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