Of writing and magic

For various and somewhat complicated reasons, I stepped away from magic more than a decade ago. I found I could not afford any ‘woo-woo’ thinking in my relationship with reality. I had prior to that been a person who worked with all kinds of interesting stuff and for whom enchantment was a significant thing. I do not regret the choice to step back – it was absolutely necessary in the situation I was in. I have, however, missed it greatly. I’ve missed feeling that I could connect with anything.

Sorely beaten up by events, and obliged to be very consciously un-enchanted, I came to feel that this just wasn’t for me anyway. Of course no deity would want to deal with me. Of course there would be no fairies, or encounters with spirits of place, or ancestral magic, or anything else numinous. My shattered self esteem did not leave a lot of space for anyone, or anything to love me in return. I certainly wasn’t going to risk deluding myself with the imagined love of Gods when I’d become pretty convinced that I was too rubbish to do love of people.

It’s been a long, difficult road. There have been moments of surprise and wonder along the way, but I have never made anything of them.

And then this happened. I wrote an obituary for the Hopeless Maine kickstarter that was, quite accidentally, loaded with significance for the person I wrote it for.  There is a blog about it over here – https://scottishdruid.wordpress.com/2019/09/16/a-death-a-rebirth-a-claiming

Reading it made me realise how long it’s been since I’ve felt there was any magic in my writing. How long it’s been since I’ve had a sense of anything outside of me tugging on the threads of my life. How much it cost me for it to be absolutely necessary to step back from all of that. How much of myself I lost in the process.

I don’t know if I can have those parts of me back. I’m in a much safer situation now, the external pressures and threats are no longer there. But I don’t really know how to do it any more. What was once innate, seems dead. What was at one time integral to my sense of self and how I moved through the world is lost to me and I do not know how to seek it. But, for a moment there, in a state of some kind of grace, I put together the words someone else needed, and that seems significant for my journey as well.

About Nimue Brown

Druid, author, dreamer, folk enthusiast, parent, wife to the most amazing artist -Tom Brown. Drinker of coffee, maker of puddings. Exploring life as a Pagan, seeking good and meaningful ways to be, struggling with mental health issues and worried about many things. View all posts by Nimue Brown

10 responses to “Of writing and magic

  • Steve Tanham

    Beautifully and tenderly expressed

  • druidcat

    I think this is a known process, by many. Magic – then a pause – then a gradual refinding of how it best works for YOU.

    And before you know it, it’s integrated into your life, and as natural to you as… well, writing.

    You make and share magic in your words and through your pencil, lovely. Trust yourself. It never really went away, because it’s such an intrinsic part of who You are x

  • John Davis

    Because of my upbringing and professional life within a Christian framework, I was highly suspicious of/prejudiced against magic. Now, halfway through my 7th decade, and at ease with not being a Christian, I’ve arrived at a rather different perspective. I see magic as those things that happen when creativity and intention come together to effect some form of change. Maybe….just maybe, because I don’t know your personal circumstances and wouldn’t wish to presume upon them, the magical was never far away from you… just waiting, but within touching distance and biding it’s time..

  • potiapitchford

    I’m struggling to find the right words to express what I want to say. You had to step back and since then you have changed. From what I have read part of that change has been a deepening of your ability to perceive and recognise the small signs in the world around you that so many of us miss. What is that but a connection to a particularly natural form of magic? You may not have thought of it that way though. You create magic with your words in many ways, some more obvious than others n my opinion x

  • tarotlenormandcards

    Missing magic.. maybe this is the first step to find it again:). For me magic has two “forms”. One is the moment of gentle connecting-connection with nature – your posts are full of this kind of magic:)…. The other , more active “form” of magic for me was always an emergency thing … when I desperately needed help, this comes from pain, barely managed fear…. and then the experience that I always get answer , help, maybe not always in the expected form. I never practiced magic in a “solemn” ritual setting. Fortunately I do not practice this kind of emergency magic very often nowadays:). Maybe it is not a most convenient way to find magic again:). So forgive me, I did not mean to hurt you, I do not know your circumstances after all.

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