How not to be a victim

So much advice about safety and avoiding crime is about how not to be a victim. We teach girls how to avoid sexual assault while investing little or no time teaching boys that is their responsibility not to assault girls. Victim blaming, and misplacing the responsibility has massive consequences.

Part of what we teach when we teach people to stay safe, is that it is the victim’s behaviour that causes or attracts the crime. If I was assaulted when walking across town alone at night, it would be understood that I had been assaulted because I was walking across town alone at night. We tell each other that it is just common sense to take safety precautions without examining what the safety stories actually do.

If your clothes, or where you happen to be make you a target, then we’re telling each other that the criminals can’t help themselves. They have no defence against a woman in a short skirt, or a person who is alone and looks worth mugging. We apply this more to the victim of sexual assault than we do to the mugging victim. We tell a story that says crime is responsive. It can’t resist your open window, your unlocked car, your low cut top. If you can’t expect people to avoid temptation, you tell a story that we’re all basically awful and that perhaps any of us would do the wrong thing given the chance. That’s affirming to those who are inclined to harm others.

This is an especially pernicious idea when it comes to sexual assault. We are too quick to ask what a person could have done to avoid being a victim. Every time we do this, we send out a message that we don’t really expect people to resist temptation. Every ‘stay safe’ message carries a subtext that the woman who isn’t staying safe is pretty much asking for it. Every time we ask what the victim was wearing, we give credence to the idea that clothes justify assault. We reinforce the idea that we cannot expect men to control themselves if they see a woman in a sexy outfit. We keep perpetuating the idea that anyone faced with an attractive woman in an appealing outfit might feel the urge to do something criminal to her. We normalise it.

Too often, we lose the key facts here. 100% of rapes are caused by rapists. All abuse is caused by abusers. Theft is a consequence of people stealing – not of what security measures you had in place. We don’t talk about the likelihood of your attacker being known to you – that you are more likely to be harmed by someone you trusted than by a stranger on the streets. All those safety measures we are encouraged to take don’t work if you’re dealing with someone you thought you could trust.

It’s hard to live fully if you have to organise your life to avoid becoming a victim. Many women are doing this. We need to be much clearer that the responsibility for crime does not lie with the victim, but the perpetrator. Here in the UK, we really need the police to stop telling people what to do to stay safe (invariably aimed at women) and to start being a lot clearer about the legal responsibilities of perpetrators and the things that you are not allowed to do to another human being, no matter what they were wearing at the time.

The best way to avoid being a victim, is not to have anyone feel entitled to attack you. Until we dismantle the things in our culture that create those feelings of entitlement to attack, no amount of doing things to try and stay safe can actually guarantee your safety.

About Nimue Brown

Druid, author, dreamer, folk enthusiast, parent, wife to the most amazing artist -Tom Brown. Drinker of coffee, maker of puddings. Exploring life as a Pagan, seeking good and meaningful ways to be, struggling with mental health issues and worried about many things. View all posts by Nimue Brown

5 responses to “How not to be a victim

  • Mags

    Years ago I read something that said every woman, either consciously or subconsciously, has a “rape schedule”. It went on to describe what women do as part of these schedules – not walking alone at night/locking the car door as soon as they get in/not wearing headphones when out running alone. Victim blaming has become so ingrained in our culture that women do these things automatically.

    My husband was shocked when I told him about this, as he had no idea that I do these things on autopilot, simply out of fear that should I be attacked, I’M the one who is blamed.

  • neptunesdolphins

    Growing up, I was told not to wear shorts in the city. It was for safety reasons…..

    About the same time and for years later, The Washington Post would feature every summer in their Style section, about (male) construction workers and women in their summer dresses. The articles were always the same – the workers looking at the women, and the women trying to beat the heat. The tone was the same – women who wear summer dresses or shorts should expect construction workers and other males to whistle or notice them. Ergo, it is a rite of summer for women to endure. They have stopped the annual article about ten years ago after thirty years of me reading the paper.

    But the attitude remains. I have heard even now since I have retired, people referring to “skin interns.” These are clueless women who graduated or graduating from college who wear sleeveless short dresses to work. Meanwhile, the clueless men who wear short sleeves or shorts are not included in this term.

    The focus is still on controlling women’s choices, and blaming them for making the wrong choice. Rather than placing the focus on the bad behavior of men.

  • neptunesdolphins

    And added thought, I remember a policeman giving talks on how not to be a crime victim. He called it “Looking forward to being attack or how not to let some low life spoil 5 minutes of your day.” He basically discussed that the perpetrators expect victims to obey them and to be nice. He said a loud Fuck Off generally stopped most in their tracks. If not, be prepared to stab them with your Bic pen in the throat. His point was attitude made the difference between being a victim and not.

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