I’ve come to the uncomfortable conclusion that what motivates me far too much is not love of craft or a call to service. I write, or have written, because I want to feel important, because I want recognition, I do it because I imagine I could earn acceptance and a place in the world. I wanted to earn a living this way, and that’s plainly a nuts idea. I’m a good century too late for that to be realistic.
I think it is because my motives are so flawed that I’m not up to scratch. If I was motivated more by love of craft and less by a desire to make this pay I would, ironically, probably be in a better place to make something of actual worth. Perhaps there was a time when I worked purely out of love, but economic pressures, pressures from publishers, agents… realities of the industry, have helped me fail to sustain that. It’s been a very hard few days in terms of facing up to reality to come to this recognition. A bard should be motivated by love of craft and a call to serve, not by ego.
Putting this into a public space is not easy, I am feeling a great deal of shame at the moment, there’s a penitence aspect to this. I find myself thinking about the mediaeval flagellants, wondering if there came a point in that process where the person might be able to imagine that they had atoned enough. It’s not the absolution of a priest or a deity I need, but the means to forgive myself for being so driven by pride and vanity and self importance that I’ve treated a lot of people badly down the years, angry with them because they didn’t see me as worthwhile or useful or any of the other things I was busily pretending I could be.
When I went into meltdown over the weekend, a lot of people said they had a use for this blog. The response has overwhelmed me, I’m just sat here crying over what people have said. I’ll try and keep this going. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to put something up every day – I have no idea what would be useful and am afraid of sliding further into self indulgence. But at the same time this is the only thing I’m writing, and there’s a lifeline aspect to that.
I have to try and find a way to be of some use, to contribute rather than just taking all the time. I have to stop imagining I can cut it as a professional, because I can’t, and I need to face up to the implications of that. If I am going to write at all, I have to refind that place of love and belief, which I think maybe I did have once. I’ve got a lot of work to do, but I think I have the clarity now to understand why I’m not where I want to be. I wanted to be Mozart, but I’m not going to make the Salieri grade, especially not while I keep trying to do it for all the wrong reasons.
I am humbled and awed by the kindness and support that has come to me from many different sources in the last few days. I have to admit that I feel so fraudulent that it is hard to believe any of this is deserved (Alex, Jo, Autumn, I think I deserved your assessments), but I am profoundly grateful to everyone who has taken the time to comment, text, offer help. You are very lovely, generous and wonderful people, and I shall aspire to be worthy of your friendship.
It is not possible, I think, to be both a bard who is driven by soulfulness, service and awen, and to be a ‘proper’ professional author who is driven by industry trends, market research and who is willing to spend more time marketing than creating, as appears to be necessary these days. I can’t have it both ways. Right now I’m failing to be either, I think because I’ve been trying to be both, or imagining I could be both, and I’ve lost my way. I did not start this wanting to do a lot of marketing, to write fillers and disposable commodities. That’s what the ‘real world’ wants. At the moment, I can’t write fiction at all and have little confidence that I can pull off the non-fic project even. But, if I can find those right reasons again, and some way of believing that there is a point (Cat, I hear you, but I’m not feeling it right now), perhaps I can do something in the future.
Once upon a time I wanted to be a professional author working from bardic principles, but I don’t think I can have it both ways.
January 15th, 2013 at 12:30 pm
It is a sad fact of modern publishing that what is peddled (for the most part) is garbage. It’s only on the fringes that you find well-written and challenging books, but they don’t make money – at least, not for the people who actually created them. I had to face this fact some time ago. I am constantly told by agents and editors that I write well but because I do not conform to ‘market trends’ (or whatever phrase they use – my books are the wrong length, about things that aren’t in fashion just now, are challenging reads) then they are not going make an effort. It has left me bitter. And it has probably left me with a reputation as being difficult because I am not backward in coming forward when it comes to criticising the stupidity and heartlessness of the publishing industry. So I live in poverty and the fear that what little I do get will be cut off and in my condition there is nothing else I can do and we face the real prospect of homelessness. But I cannot stop writing and I continue to write to the best of my ability the things that seem to me to be important, the things that cast a light in the dark places where truth has taken to hiding from the truly awful world in which we live.
You write well and you write honestly and you bring light and joy to those who read your work. Keep writing and give the finger to all that awful industrial process that bears the name of mainstream publishing. They are not an author’s friend, even the ones who purport to be and treat there authors in a half way decent fashion. It’s not much of a solution, but I think the most important thing is that you are true to yourself and your vision.
January 15th, 2013 at 12:45 pm
I know you will hear plenty of this, and I don’t know how helpful it is, but I find your writing thought-provoking, and I mean that literally, I really do think about it
.
I suppose you might be right about the difficulty of writing from the soul and putting bread on the table with it; there’s a reason that “starving artist” is a term we’re all familiar with. I guess that Writer and Author really are two different jobs with two different, sometimes contradictory, skill sets.
As long as you write it, I will read it
.
January 15th, 2013 at 1:30 pm
In 2005 I finished my first YA novel and started shipping it out to various publishers. At the same time I sent it round to friends, family, friends of friends of family — whoever would agree to read it, to give me feedback. No publisher wanted it, and honestly most of my feedback was more polite than effusive, but I remember one 13-year-old girl (daughter of a family acquaintance) who was deeply affected by the book. She had never really enjoyed reading anything before, but she read and re-read that novel… They were just the right words at the right time. I will always remember the look on her face when I signed her draft, and be grateful that I was able to help and inspire that one person.
January 15th, 2013 at 1:43 pm
Dear Nimue
So bloody what? I started writing so I could hang out in pubs with poets and call myself a poet. And some of my stuff ain’t too bad. If you need to earn money, you may have to find a job doing something else, but it doesn’t make you less of a writer (No poets making a living off of poetry round here, I can tell you). The best poet of his generation worked as a roofer, and between his book getting accepted and coming out he worked in the box office in our cinema. He’s getting reviews and praise showered all over him, but he’s in the box office on minimum wage.
In this philistine age there is no necessary correlation between creating good and valuable art and earning a living. And also, not much between being a good artist and being a good human being. I’d give you an example here, of a lousy bastard who writes acclaimed, even award-winning – poetry, but it would be libellous – and also some lovely people who deserve to be famous and rewarded and all that, and whose poetry I really want to love – but it’s mince.
You created a place of safety for yourself after a very hard time. If it needs a bit of shoring up here and there, that’s OK. You were right to do it. And whatever changes you make to look after yourself will be OK too. There’s no law that says anyone has to be a writer, or write this or that way or for this or that reason. But when you get back on an even keel, I bet you do. And I’ll be reading it.
January 15th, 2013 at 2:00 pm
I think I need to spend more time in spaces where people speak with passion about writing, and less time in spaces where people talk about marketing and branding. Thank you. I have learned how to think of myself as a thing that makes a commodity, and I need to unlearn that.
January 15th, 2013 at 2:03 pm
You and me both! We have a Makar where I live, and she is setting up a network of ‘poetry buddies’ so we can do just that. meantime I can honestly recommend Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way for this kind of dreary place – if you can take the American hype.
January 15th, 2013 at 2:38 pm
I’ll get my coat. I hope there was something in the various things I’ve said to help; I never intended to cause any kind of dichotomy, any kind of them-and-us, “good art” and “stuff for the masses”. But best of luck for everything you do in the future.
January 15th, 2013 at 2:03 pm
You’ll get where you want to be. Enjoy.
January 15th, 2013 at 2:47 pm
Nimue
Apart from a few words on Facebook and what you have written above I have not read anything you have written. But really that’s not the important thing.
In some ways you are right; serving both art and money are often incompatible or at least incredibly hard to balance. Those that are most “successful” are often the most commercial and commerciality is often about appealing to the widest audience and the blandest tastes. That’s why Disney, MacDonald’s and Mills and Boon are so successful.
Even some of those things and people who are held up as being beacons of culture and high brow art should be questioned with the same honest clarity that the child in Hans Christian Anderson’s story used.
So before I can accept your premise that you have produced nothing of value I have to ask what criteria you are evaluating your own work? That it’s not making you a living?
Was that really why you started on this journey? I truly doubt that.
It would be nice, yes, but few people really do. And certainly few of the incredibly talented people I know – artists, poets, musicians and writers – make a living out of their art and those that do barely scrape it.
In the end though the product of your creativity is you writing and that once shared and “out there” is immortal. Does your writing bring you joy? Fulfilment? Do you invest your writing with a little bit of your own unique personality, style, soul? And is it the best you can do? If so then it is of absolute value.
All the money that a hack author has made in his/her life will one day be gone. All the plaudits and awards heaped upon a rubbish book or film will be forgotten. In time no matter how much money or how celebrated rubbish is discarded and forgotten – witness the number of copies of De Vinci Code and Katy Price autobiographies in your local charity shop.
Maybe you’ll sell one book in your life time – van Goth sold one picture in his lifetime– but if you put half as much of yourself into what you write as he put into his art then it must have intrinsic value. Phillip K Dick was so poor at one point in his career that he was living off cheap cat food from the local pet store, but he kept writing.
I have been working on the same damn novel for 17 years! I’m dyslexic and writing is difficult at best. I plug at it though I’ve had various reactions – not all good – from friends and people who have read it. Even if I finish it is probably no way commercial and won’t sell more than a couple of copies if I self publish it on Amazon. Why do I continue? Because I think it’s worth while. If one person reads it and really enjoys it then I’ve achieved my purpose. And once it’s “out there” its immortal. As for money? Well yeah I’d love to be the next J.R.R or J.K but that is not going to happen. I write because I enjoy it and I love telling stories. But in truth it’s an act of ultimate selfishness; I do it for me.
You have to believe in yourself Nimue and in your writing before anyone else will be able to believe in you to. And money is no true gage of artistic merit or value.
Keep writing!
Mat McCall
January 15th, 2013 at 3:28 pm
I can’t begin to imagine the pressures that attempting to be a professional author and a bard at the same time can incur. One of my friends became an author and I don’t think we’ve had the time to see or speak with each other since. I myself and just starting a journey to get back to myself and step back onto a path that I have ignored for way to long. It is my sincerest hope that where ever this road takes you that it is exactly where you want and/or need to be.
Should you come back to the need to publish work again, perhaps self-publishing through something like Lulu.com (or some other site, Lulu is the only one I am familiar with) might be a more reasonable option to fit into what you want to get out of your writing . . . whatever that may end up being.
January 16th, 2013 at 1:21 pm
There’s a paper verson of lost Bards and Dreamers (poetry) on lulu… I am a big fan of that space and the freedom it brings.
January 15th, 2013 at 5:01 pm
I understand how jarring it can be when the career you aspired to turns out not to be what you had expected and/or hoped for. I served four years in the US Air Force, originally planning to make it my career. The career field I was assigned to required a different mentality than mine to do well in, and as it was an undermanned field I couldn’t transfer to something else. In the four years since I left the service, I pursued a career field (law enforcement) which I thought I wanted to do, and found out that wasn’t the case; I ended up back in school and graduated last month with a degree I never thought I’d go for – a science degree in biology, which I love. It was a long, winding road, with bright spots and dark spots, but well worth it in the end.
It sounds to me that you may be on such a re-defining yourself type of journey, and I wish you well. I hope you find what fulfills you, and I wish you strength and perseverance for the journey. I’m glad you have the support of your family and friends, also. And remember, Nimue: you are wise, you are strong, you are beautiful, and you have inherent worth and purpose. Hang in there – it’s always darkest before the dawn, and I’m sure you’ll make it through the darkness and find your light. Hugs and blessings to you, lovely lady.
January 15th, 2013 at 5:15 pm
My first draft of my comment got deleted accidentally, and in the re-write I left out what I’d wanted to open with. I’ve read almost all of your posts, and find your writing insightful and thought provoking. I agree with and second Graeme’s comment that you write well and honestly, and bring light to those who read your work. I’m not a writer and don’t know much about the publishing industry, but there’s a lot of wisdom in the comments about staying true to yourself in your writing and the trash that gets published. As others have said, if you keep writing, I’ll keep reading.
January 15th, 2013 at 6:05 pm
I had a similar experience last year when I gave up my ambition to become a professional writer. It’s tough giving up a dream, but far worse living a false one. Facing giving up a life long ambition brought down most of my structures of belief with it, my life collapsed, seemed completely and utterly worthless. Yet amidst the carnage I discovered a deeper truth than the painted image of the professional writer, a way to journey where the destination no longer matters, which made my life worth living again. Perhaps I’ll see you there…
January 16th, 2013 at 1:20 pm
The mainstream is not a good place to be. I’m increasingly of the opinion that the industry needs re-inventing. It didnt used to be like this!
January 15th, 2013 at 6:34 pm
I loved this very personal blog. It takes courage to admit and accept. You are so right. In this world, ‘the real world’ it is easy to get caught up when wanting something so bad. The problem with our world is that people do not believe anymore. It repeats every lifetime and the people have to be reminded, once again, that our world can not exist without story-tellers and imagination, intentions, hopes and dreams. However, know that Universe is always listening and willing to provide for people like yourself because the stories must go on. Right now things are turbulent, but I think you will find balance once again and- when you do-your way.
January 15th, 2013 at 8:50 pm
Hi Nimue,
I don’t know if I have commented before, but I love your blog! I look forward to your posts, they’re always thought provoking. I love hearing about life on the boat!
For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting recognition. You are a great writer, and it is a great shame that there isn’t the money in the industry for you to make a decent living doing something that you are clearly so good at. It is a frustrating position to be in, having to be mercenary about your craft, putting money first. I don’t think that that negates what you write though. Whether or not it is possible to be both soulful about what you do and market driven I don’t know, but it is admirable to try!
I think many of us end up in a similarly frustrated position work wise. (though perhaps not about being an author!) Forgive me if I’m making links wrongly though! But I have friends working in social services, nursing and teaching all of whom have left (or are contemplating leaving) their callings they feel so passionate about, because of bureaucracy and paperwork. All leaving because they’re not doing the job they set out to do. Some of them find better things, or better ways of doing what they set out to do in the first place. Reassessment is good.
I hope you keep your blog going, because I think it’s ace!
Jo x
January 15th, 2013 at 9:07 pm
Bryn …. I am Grateul for Your Blogs ! Your Authorship is Not At Question because Your CONTENT has soo much Wisdom and Advice within it ! I Aggree That you Are a Bard First … but saying that – As a Storyteller (or Tallisine) Wisdom gets offered through whatever you write ! Embrace what Awen is hoping you will redescover about yourself !Listen to your Spirit – it is Dancing around and perhaps even yelling at you to take notice ! Find a BARDIC Venue for you Tallents ( Re-Evaluate your Pagan Market – We are Here and Will NEVER ABANDON YOU !) Much Love ! <3 Symbian
Date: Tue, 15 Jan 2013 11:48:01 +0000 To: spiritsinthecave@hotmail.ca
January 16th, 2013 at 9:45 am
Bards create and author the world, and reality. Therefore, do not sit under the weight of “either/ or”, just write as to what comes out! I began to get back into the business of writing, (the bard part was there regardless), and after getting all web-wise and reading the hundreds of blogs and opinions and stats, and slowly beating my head to a pulp against the walls,against the wall more and more, I finally (Through 2 lovely authors) – cleared the air, totally broke down the zany “must” ideas – (like dismantling a crazy house where I had nailed up lumber every which way), and got back to the spirit within. Natalie Goldberg’s set of 3 – from her (1)bones, and (2.)wild mind, (reread), and a new one I finally had gotten -”Thunder and Lightning.” AND, the quite entrancing, and Heather Seller ‘page by page’, and ‘chapter by chapter’ – who gets one again to take ownership of their output, whatever it is, and treat it like a lover! I had to sit back, and just take in some easily flowable love of craft – (not hard-edged at all, but a nice romp through 2 authors who just read like cake and cocoa in bed, in a wild rocking wind). Somewhere in the midst of that the house literally blew away – canted lumber by lumber, and I was left laughing, because “everyone else’s ideas” were blown out the window. Sometimes, one just needs something safe to take IN, instead of overburning the midnight oil, and frying everyone around. Natalie gets very wild-zen, and Heather makes you and awen and writing feel like you are safe and coddled, and can have a wild affair with your writing. I certainly needed this, and realized, the writing will get me where I need to be when it is time to be there. No uncertainty, and no giving a fig about the woes and means of ‘others’ viewpoints. I came home. It was very nice to be on the receiving end again, with no taxing of brain or “shoulds” – by two VERY astute women, who also don’t tell you what you must do or think – - just put out – well, there’s this – and that – to look at. It made a stupendous difference.
Sometimes I have to quirk a bit of smile – because there is almost way to much on writer do’s and don’t and bad news and what to watch out for, etc.One gets the idea that they are in a race against time, and it will never be enough. That is actually almost the nemesis of, and anti-awen way of going about it. Guaranteed burnout, unless one comes to the realization that, whoa Nellie! Something’s screwy here – and pools up their bootstraps and gets over the stile somehow – gingerly or madly.And I do think that publishing houses will be born anew and be ready for the good stuff. Right now,I think it’s a like a crazy parade, Money! What (we) the public wants..mainstream trends.”
Well, I am certainly not mainstream, and I don’t care. And honestly, there is a lot of mainstream that is NOT my cup of tea, and I am ok with that. And when it comes down to it, it’s the artists, bards, and those who author with truth – and the correct public WILL find it –that will determine what’s what, and what’s to come.
I sent you an email, but honestly, I would say let your hair down and go wild in the wind, and here’s wishing with fire of the awen and head and heart, that you just take a step back, laugh at your reasons, because the output is written with truth -whether YOU think you sold it short or not – The proof of the truth came out in the pudding, and it is rather magnificent. And whether you did it for love or money, it is impressive! Nor does it read with the dopey self-help lies all to often seen, by other earnest authors who are zeroed in on the masses. There are those of us who don’t read like the masses,, and we need readable intelligent things too – like what you write. I went through something similar, but I got lucky, because when my false-front-facade all fell down, I felt totally released and free, and could write (for and from me), anything I wanted, and devil take the hindmost. I had recovered the essence. I had just gotten all whippy building up this commercial house of lumber-painted cardboard. (It would make you cringe, honestly). lol! Will I ever make money or impress by it? maybe, maybe not. Will I ever get it ot there, yes, when it is truly what I want to say – and the universe will let me know. I think YOU actually HAVE done it on your own terms. I salute you! A sleeping giant, perhaps more than you know, that is going through wake-up rites? lol! although you think you are only seeing the small surfacy things. We, your readers, see something shining and depthful, and brimming (But we are also our OWN worse judges sometimes, eh? lol!),
So whatever you do, major wonders and outings have occurred for you, and there are more wonderful changes coming – and this can awaken shaky ghosts of things. Go forth and take the reigns, whether it is stacking shelves, or dancing on water, or pulling your hair out and tying it in half-hitches. I am sure all of us, who know you, are ever willing to circle you with hugs, and hold the trampoline!
January 16th, 2013 at 6:38 pm
Now THAT is a very courageous post, Nimue. And bards have to live, too. Maybe it’s not quite as black and white as you were perhaps thinking?
January 16th, 2013 at 7:03 pm
AND I should say that my experience is that both things ARE possible, Nimue: to live one’s passion as ‘service’, bardically speaking, as it were; AND to get by financially. I’d say that I do both (however the financial rewards are distinctly minimal: my accountant has been pointing out to me for 2 decades that I would be better off on Benefits).
I really admire your courage in speaking out, but it’s clearly not the whole truth – the truth is ALSO that you clearly love what you are called to do, and have to say about it, and you are skilled at it.
I myself can’t live any other way. I live extremely simply, but in a way that I love, that feels authentic to my ethos, and that allows me to survive – provided I continue to live simply.
Isn’t this true of you too?
Since this path is congruent with my awareness that we live on a very small planet with finite resources, and given that I want to live in a way that harms no one, it feels OK; but I need not to compare my income with bestselling authors, nor to feel that I haven’t made it if I don’t make much money from my books. Isn’t that the problem really?
As I said in my previous comment on the other blog, that’s not the point, grossing 1000s of £ from writing a populist book actually; and I don’t believe you REALLY believe it is. Since you are clearly not out to max out on income, and since it’s obvious that you believe what you’re writing, it seems to me you might just be burnt out – a big danger when you’re in a field of service.
The point, for me, and I suspect for you too? – is that writing is what I do, and feedback is that it makes a difference to people’s lives – as is very obviously the feedback here on your blog. (Some days writing my blog is all I do, too, of writing – that’s fine.)
For myself, I make self and writing available ‘for free’ if it is obvious that someone needs it or benefits from it – again that’s obvious here in relation to you, via your blogging.
I also decided that as I needed to make a living too, I wouldn’t be precious about it and would charge where I needed to; and for me I also do writing-related stuff via workshops, tutoring, editing and mentoring; also psychospiritual/dharmic druidry work – counselling and groups – for which I usually charge (though some of it is what Buddhists call ‘dana’ – giveaway).
In some circles, it is believed that one ‘shouldn’t’ charge for ‘service’, spiritually speaking. That of course is fine if you live in a monastic/supported community, or have independent means. The rest of us simply can’t get by that way in our culture. I can’t help wondering if at some level you have adopted this dictum, and are therefore feeling almost guilty at needing to earn money from your work?
BUT we also have to, and deserve to, live. Nimue, YOU DESERVE TO MAKE A LIVING – but like anyone serving a minority – those on a spiritual path in materialistic times – it won’t be easy. Follow your bliss, your dream, your calling – and don’t give way to the inner critic’s voice of doubt and scorn…
January 20th, 2013 at 5:50 pm
Perhaps you can find a solution to make this work now that you know what the problem is. I think everyone wants and deserves a little recognition for what they do.
It is possible to do what you love and make a living. You never know what direction your passion will take and so sometimes it is good to sit back and reassess as to make sure not to “miss that left turn at Albuquerque” according to Bugs Bunny.